So for the past month, I have been mentally filled with thinking and mulling about my life, about people involved in it and their actions.
Happiness is a state of mind for me and a fact. Every person in this world deserves it and should relieve happiness each and every day. That is our right. To live in happiness, peace and mind free you have to do changes in your life, in your environment. And I did it. Since I did it I can breathe with full lungs, see the things I didn’t saw before, and I can dedicate my time to me and my family. I can be me again, I can say NO, even to my closest ones.
What am I talking about?
Have you ever felt like you are the last person on everybody’s list? Like you don’t exist, or you are treated like you’re still 15 years old, despite the fact that you are a grown independent woman with your own family? Exactly that feeling was with me for a long time, even after my marriage, and after I became a mom. I lived with that feeling over and over again each day, that nobody is taking me seriously, especially my family, meaning my parents and other closest relatives. I never was their favorite or let me say I never felt like one, and I didn’t need it, I was and still am for equal rights (I have an older brother), and I felt like everything I did was wrong or never good enough. And that is a terrible feeling you know. I am sure there is a lot of us, a lot of kids that feel that way, and are in the same situation.
I can say that as a kid, I didn’t get as much support as I wanted or needed. I was somewhere behind, and the only thing that was seen were my mistakes. Always struggled with that inner me, and on daily basis, I repeated the same question: Is there something wrong with me? I felt anxiety in me for a long time, I lived in fear, I watched every step of mine, and my self-confidence was at the lowest. I was so scared to defend myself, to stand up for myself, my rights, my life. Because that is my life, I take the strings of it and lead it where I want to and how I want to. My mistakes are mine and nobody else’s.
Was I loved? I think I was, in some weird way. But growing up you realize you could be treated, supported and loved better. When you start to get anxiety attacks in your home environment as a young woman, that’s when you say to yourself, enough. You need that emergency exit from all of it, you need to breathe.
What did open my eyes, and made me a better person? At first my husband, and then my children. When you are blessed with your own children, only then you can feel and see, what were you robbed of growing up. What mistakes you won’t do, how to make every day perfect and how to fulfill upbringing of your kids. I am not a judging person, I am only honest and fair. And when I put my foot down and said enough, when I cut off the bad influence on me and my being, it was like a path with white light opened in my mind. Unfortunately, close and dear people were among them, but my husband, my children and my calm mind are by far more worth. My self-confidence boosted to the maximum.
However, I do love them still, but being maltreated almost every day is deplorable.