Kot vsaka mama si po dolgem času želiš svojih 5 minut zase, za tisto božansko tišino, ki jo tako pogrešaš in da spiješ kavo u miru. In ta čas je napočil ravno danes. Liam v vrtcu, Zaya spi, jaz pa z užitkom pišem tale blog zapis in pijem kavo. Mmmm. In priznam to sem si goreče želela zadnje 3 mesece, odkar smo izvedeli, da je končno sprejet v vrtec. Uvajala sva se po par ur zadnje dni, in je bilo vse uredu, najbrž zato ker sem bila v bližini, in je vedel da ko se obrne me bo zagledal in delil z mano veselje.
Danes pa napoči dan, ko bo prvič ostal sam do 14h. Me ni skrbelo, ker je zadnje dni super odreagiral na vrtec in druge otroke. Vendar, ko sem ga pripeljala v vrtec, posedla na klop da ga preobujem v copatke, in ko so se začele kazati prve solze, me je prijelo da ga vzamem v naročje, odnesem do avta in odpeljem domov. Vendar nisem, preobula sem ga, slekla mu jopico in ga pospremila do vrat njegove skupine. Trdno je držal mojo roko in klical Mami, solza za solzo teče po licu, meni pa se je srce trgalo. Kljub temu, da vem da mu bo vrtec dobro del, da bo dobil še kakšnega prijatelja več, da se bo igral in užival, sem pomisila zakaj sem ga sploh vpisala. Toda nato se spomniš, da smo vsi to dali čez, vse so nas mame pustile da so lahko odšle v službo, ker je bil vrtec edina rešitev, če nisi imel otroka kje pustiti v varstvu.
Sem na porodniški, doma imam še Zayo, mojo skoraj 10-mesečno punčko, in dosti dela poleg. Nisem otroka vpisala v vrtec zato, da bi se ga rešila, ampak se zavedam da tudi on rabi družbo poleg mame, sestre in očeta. Še vedno bomo popoldneve preživljali skupaj. Moj fantek raste, 2 leti sta šibnile mimo, in rabi tako več pozornosti kot socialno okolje-povezavo tudi z drugimi ljudmi, otroci.
Kot sem že zgoraj omenila prvič smo bili zavrnjeni pri vlogi za vrtec, zato je bil naš mišek doma. Skozi to leto sem opazovala, in spoznala da otrok rabi več kot samo druženje z mano, in sem prepričana, da mu bo vrtec kvečjemu koristil kot karkoli drugega. Mame damo težko otroka od sebe, pa čeprav je samo za nekaj ur, veš pa da mu nebo nič manjkalo. Veš, da bo na toplem, sit, in v družbi svojih vrstnikov.
Ob vsaki travmatični izkušnji ugotovim da nisem popolna mama, in verjetno nikoli nebom, a ljubezen in skrb do mojih otrok bo večna in neizmerna.
Like every mom, after a long time, you want your 5 minutes for yourself, for the divine silence that you miss so much and drinking coffee in peace. And that time has come today. Liam in kindergarten, Zaya sleeping, and I am delighted to write this blog and drink coffee. Mmmm. And I admit that I wanted this fervently for the last 3 months since we found out that he is finally accepted in kindergarten. We were introduced for a few hours in the past few days, and everything was ok, probably because I was nearby, and he knew that when he turned, he would see me and share with me the joy.
And today comes the day when he will stay alone for the first time until 2 pm. I was not worried because in the last few days his reaction was great in kindergarten and with other children. However, when I brought him to the kindergarten, I sat down on the bench to turn sneakers into slippers, and when the first tears began to appear, I almost took him into my arms, carry him to the car and drive home. But I didn’t, I changed him into slippers, stripped him his sweatshirt, and escorted him to the door of his group. He held my hand firmly and called Mama, and tear after tear was flowing down his face, and my heart was torn. Although I know that kindergarten will do him well, and he will get more friends to play and enjoy, I was asking myself, why did I enroll him. But then you remember that we all passed this over, all of us were left by our mothers when they had to go to work because the kindergarten was the only solution if they didn’t have an option to leave a child in day care.
I’m on maternity leave, I have Zaya, my almost 10-month-old doll at home, and a lot of work. I didn’t enroll my child in kindergarten in order to get rid of him, but I realize that he also needs other company a side to his mother, sister, and father. We will still spend the afternoon together. My boy is growing up, 2 years have passed by, and he needs more attention and social connection with other people, children.
As I mentioned above, for the first time, we were rejected in the role of kindergarten, so our little mouse was home. Through this year I watched and realized that a child needs more than just hanging out with me, and I’m convinced that the kindergarten will at best benefit him as anything else. For us, moms is hard to give a child away, even though it’s only for a few hours, but you know that he will be safe. You know he will be warm, fed, and in the company of his peers.
With every traumatic experience, I find out again that I am not a perfect mum, and probably will never be, but the love and care for my children will be eternal and immense.